Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
