Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
