Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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