got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
