I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
