Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
