i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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