I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
