Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
