I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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