ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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