Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
