I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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