New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
