The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
