Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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