I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
