thus making me awesome and them whores
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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