it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Duck Duck Cougar?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
