Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
