Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
