She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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