She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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