On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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