I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
pray to the hookup gods
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
