I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
