Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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