i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
