at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't deserve a penis
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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