Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
