i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
