They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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