There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
