my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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