I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
