my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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