I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
