There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
