I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
