Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
not ubering you a puppy
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize