can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
