i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
