I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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