I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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