who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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