Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This house was built for laser tag.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
