she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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