took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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