I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
