The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
